Overwhelmed

Some days I can hold in 100 x the pain I could the day before, some days my eyes and tears roll out of my head before I can register something may be wrong. It's the tension of nails slowly being hammered into your skull over the years, then one day deciding to take them all out and remodel the 'home' of brain. I'm having a lot of dreams about my head on fire, only because my thoughts keep burning me.

I switch between loving and rejecting most people on a daily basis, the friend I was laughing and holding yesterday warps into a cold, soulless shell today through no effort of their own. Maybe it is the inconsistent effort that they may provide but is it unreasonable to ask more of someone? Do I grow up or give up? How do I know the love weighs more than the pain? Do I cut off someone I want in my life forever? Do I let them hurt me or have no one to love?

I did an aspergers assessment today, feels a bit futile now I'm 20 but there has to be a reason that I am the way I am. I keep convincing myself that there is no reason and I am just no good, but I know better than that. I am capable.

Levitation

Do you ever feel like, just this once, you could make everything slowly levitate. I try every time. I've read about it, I don't believe in it, but sometimes I feel it. At the moments where 1 hour feels like 10 minutes, and I can hear everything, the electricity running through the room, the cold outside wind trying to punch through the windows (sometimes I think the house will rip out of the ground and hurtle around forever in a gust of wind, disconnected from everything and everyone outside, but we still live functionally and happily inside) When my brain plays these magic tricks on me I either feel this inward, magnetic, hypersensitive state or the complete opposite - foggy like cotton wool, spinning around and everyone is too close to me, whatever I touch will fall down like a bad prop or fake wall. The first stems from relief and isolation and the second is usually in public when i'm overloaded with natural data.
Untitled 07

Deep Sea Diving

I feel a deep connection with water and how mutable it is, but I am also scared of it. I long to be a splash or a drop or a trickle.


Water is emotive and consumes my imagination

 I'm caught in a murderous storm in a small, creaking, fragile fishing boat, the cries and smacks as the water hits the jagged, fast approaching rocks, The frantic beams of a blinded lighthouse, the sky is dark blue with no stars, the sea is a tunnel, if you fall in seaweed will wrap around you and drag you in.

I can instantly transport myself  to a daydream of pink sands and warm sparkling pools, I can't hear anything but the water against me, hazy and iridescent, no human exists except me. The sun is almost too hot, palm trees bend to fan me with gentle cool breezes and animals wander to share the gifts with me, they don't bother me and I don't bother them, we harmoniously co-exist with no expectations.

The only thing holding these mental images together is the water, initially in the nightmare it is the source of my fear but in the dream it is the only reason to exist there.