Overwhelmed

Some days I can hold in 100 x the pain I could the day before, some days my eyes and tears roll out of my head before I can register something may be wrong. It's the tension of nails slowly being hammered into your skull over the years, then one day deciding to take them all out and remodel the 'home' of brain. I'm having a lot of dreams about my head on fire, only because my thoughts keep burning me.

I switch between loving and rejecting most people on a daily basis, the friend I was laughing and holding yesterday warps into a cold, soulless shell today through no effort of their own. Maybe it is the inconsistent effort that they may provide but is it unreasonable to ask more of someone? Do I grow up or give up? How do I know the love weighs more than the pain? Do I cut off someone I want in my life forever? Do I let them hurt me or have no one to love?

I did an aspergers assessment today, feels a bit futile now I'm 20 but there has to be a reason that I am the way I am. I keep convincing myself that there is no reason and I am just no good, but I know better than that. I am capable.